did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
