You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
