You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
