youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
