He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
