Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
