I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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