no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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