If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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