he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
