If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
