I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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