he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
