I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
