True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
