I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
and you fell through a lawn chair
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
