i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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