This is not my ceiling
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
