Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
