I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
