just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
