I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
