I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
