I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
