Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
