mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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