I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
