I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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