I hate all girls vehemently.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
