Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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