He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
