Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
