I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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