I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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