There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
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Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
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I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.