"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter