You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
