i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
