dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He did a backflip because drugs
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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