currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Another day, another engagement, another cat
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
