Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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