Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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