I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
