my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
they're like a gay fantastic four
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
