Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
