mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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