i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
