i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
