tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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