I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
