If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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