I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
