I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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