Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
