Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
