I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I want to have your abortion
someone get that fucking seahorse.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
being pregnant is like rehab
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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