Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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