We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
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