Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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